Tomorrow … tomorrow would have been our 5th wedding anniversary.
Staring at that sentence as I’ve just typed it feels very odd. It feels weird for something I would normally be celebrating to now be in the past tense. My husband and I separated in late July, and it’s still incredibly difficult for me to comprehend that, and everything else that has happened since.
We’re separated.
That sounds even more odd to say, because I never quite felt like a bonafide adult until this very point in my life. Separating from your husband is a very adult-like thing to do. It feels and sounds like something people way older than I am would do … not me.
It’s the most mixed up I’ve probably ever felt in my life, too. I am alone now, and sometimes that’s equal parts terrifying and exciting. I do feel absolutely sure of my decision, but then there are times when I will burst into tears at random moments because something triggers a memory or sets me off. Like the other day — someone asked if me if I wanted to go do some typical fall things this weekend. Things like pumpkin picking and hay rides, which I adore, will now always carry a little tinge of sadness with them. I said yes anyway, because I don’t want to be that person who passes up fun experiences because there’s a slight chance they’ll be accompanied by some emotion. Life is emotion.
Will I make it through tomorrow without crying? Probably not. I could barely make it through writing this blog post without my eyes welling up with tears. But I will spend tomorrow with my family and good friends, and I will do my damnedest to feel incredibly thankful for everything I do have that is good and wonderful.
I know that it was the right thing to do, but I am still in mourning over my marriage. I understand why it ended, and that it had to end, but I know deep down that it’s changed me forever and that I’ll have to deal with it the rest of my life. And I worry about him. Just because you have to split from someone doesn’t mean you stop caring about them. It just didn’t work. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I don’t want him to hurt like I’ve hurt. I want the both of us to make it through this and come out on the other side stronger and more self-aware … whether that takes weeks, months or years. But most of all, I want each of us to find love again. And I want each of us to be happy.
